Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me