When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?