[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
mood
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?