Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
inside you are two wolves
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog