Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Legend 🤣🤣
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.