A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
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I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.