“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I falcon love using swear birds
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.