DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
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new career option?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.