[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now