Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
You Might Also Like
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Doggies just call it style.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.