*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
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Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.