Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
just make the entire table out of coaster
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.