Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
According to math, I’m broke
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
📽️movie date🎞️
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
what day is it?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?