me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life