10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone