I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!