*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what