If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Watermelon Boss!
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Xylophonist Shredding It
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.