My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver