FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
mechanics be like
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.