The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
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JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I wish this was real life…
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.