Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
You Might Also Like
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My inexpensive home security system…
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834