Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
my fav colour is also hitler
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.