For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding