Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I have questions??