[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
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If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*