They got a point!
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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!