Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.