Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
do horses think humans are hats
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I have so many questions.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.