Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Unsolicited sandwich pics.