every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
we’re dead?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.