Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
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Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.