I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
You Might Also Like
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.