Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Interior design 👌
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
no such thing as a dumb question
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.