Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
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So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight