Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
welp
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*