If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Important reminders
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”