If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.