Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
it was love at first sight
Banana is the quietest snack
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
britain’s three elite institutions
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.