Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Not helping
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair