free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Beauty and the Beast
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo