“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
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Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go