I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
You Might Also Like
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
This line from Airplane.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.