If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
birds and squirrels envy us
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
No. YOU-buprofen.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
New mindset, who dis?
Its true…
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.