[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning