The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.