My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
You Might Also Like
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.