The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
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Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
me and my fake scenarios
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online