If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”