If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Breaking news:
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.